Stupid Q & A
Have a burning question about life, spirituality, or why your avocado always goes bad right before you’re about to eat it? Below are some of the gems I’ve been asked over the years. If you don’t find the answers helpful, just remember—you asked.
DISCLAIMER
Answers provided are for entertainment purposes only. If you need real advice, consult a therapist, a life coach, or your overly opinionated neighbor who watches too much daytime TV. Rude Yogi is not responsible for any life changes resulting from taking this advice seriously.
How do I find my life’s purpose?
Well, aren’t you a little ray of desperate sunshine? If I knew how to find purpose, do you think I’d be here answering your existential cry for help? Start with not asking me, and go from there. Get off the couch. Go for a walk. Sign up for something. And if all else fails, Netflix has a new series that’ll waste a few hours.
How can I improve my meditation practice?
Easy. Stop meditating. Nothing improves your practice like giving up entirely. Or, if you must sit there with your eyes closed, try counting how many times you wish you were doing something else. Congratulations, you’ve just reached a higher state of consciousness: it’s called ‘boredom.’
What’s your morning routine like?
You mean after I snooze my alarm for the third time and groan at the mere thought of existence? I stumble out of bed, avoid the mirror so I don’t have to face reality, make coffee so strong it could power a small city, and then sit in silent judgment of anyone who does yoga at 5 a.m.
How do I deal with stress at work?
Quit. Or, you know, bring a stress ball. Squeeze it until it pops. Blame it on the coworker who keeps microwaving fish in the break room. If all else fails, just remind yourself that nobody actually knows what they’re doing, and we’re all just faking it until we can retire.
What’s your take on veganism?
My take is that it’s a lot of work for something that doesn’t involve cheese. I mean, good for you and your plant-based life, but if you see me clutching a cheeseburger like it’s the meaning of life, just walk away.
How can I achieve work-life balance?
Balance is a myth. Like Bigfoot or a productive Monday morning. The closest thing you’ll get to work-life balance is working just enough that your boss doesn’t notice you slacking off and living just enough that you don’t forget why you’re doing it. If you find that sweet spot, let me know.
Should I go to therapy?
You’re asking me? Let’s just say if you’re asking strangers on the internet whether you need therapy, the answer is probably yes. Go spill your guts to a professional—it’s cheaper than a midlife crisis.
Is there life after death?
Maybe, but honestly, who cares? You’re alive now, and you’re wasting it asking this question. Go do something that’ll make you feel alive, like finally tackling that laundry pile.
What’s the best way to start a fitness journey?
Step one: buy a bunch of workout clothes you’ll only wear for lounging. Step two: imagine going to the gym. Step three: skip the gym. Congratulations, you’ve started the journey. It’s all downhill from here.
Do you actually practice yoga?
Define “practice.” Do I stretch occasionally while sighing loudly? Yes. Do I roll out a yoga mat and pretend to be a graceful gazelle while actually resembling a confused sloth? Also, yes. My yoga routine is more like performance art, with a lot of dramatic groaning involved.
How do I make friends as an adult?
That ship has sailed. Adults don’t make friends; they just acquire people they tolerate for short bursts. Try smiling less—keeps expectations low and the riff-raff away.
How can I be more productive?
Here’s the truth: most people just like looking busy. Want to be more productive? Stop wasting time on half the pointless tasks you pretend are important. Boom, instant improvement.